A father with questions about daughter's first period. - Updated

[gimpyman.livejournal.com]

I had posted this in VaginaPagina today, and someone there recommended to me that I should post it here as well.

Hi all, I found this site today because of my daughter. She will be 14 this week, and started menstruating last night. I thought I was ready for this but....

We have always had a very open communications (it was up to me to give her the "talk"). But last night, as I expected, she went to her mother when she found she had gotten her period. I am OK with that, but now I am not sure what to do or what my role is.

Do I pretend it didn't happen?
Do I mention it at all?
Do I just stay out of it and let her mother deal with it(we are happily married, so it is not a case of mom and dad are not in the same house)?
I am a confused dad, and just looking for advice. I don't want her to feel like I am looking at her or treating her differently, and I don't want to embarras her.

Please help....

Thanks
---------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to everyone for your answers and support (I just wish I had posted here before it happened so that I would have had a plan).

Here's what I did.

I went and got her favorite ice cream and put it in the freezer.
I put a bouquet of flowers on her bed with a card. I wrote a little message in the card. I made a slight variation to a line from a Children's book we used to read ("I'll Love You Forever"). I wrote, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my wonderful daughter you'll be."

I never mentioned anything to her about it, she never mentioned anything to me about it, but before she went to bed, she gave me the biggest hug.

I think I did OK.

Thanks again for all your help.

Comments

[zaniyah.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't mention it unless she does first. It's what my Dad did when mine started, and it was exactly what I wanted. I found it embarrassing if _anyone_ mentioned it or let on that they knew. It's a very personal thing. Judging from my sisters' reactions (I have 6) that seems to be the common consensus. I would also suggest that your spouse probably knows more about it, having gone through it.

Having said that, when I was crippled up with painful cramps, embarrassment was no longer such a pressing issue and I was happy to receive a hot water bottle and hot chocolate from my Dad.

So, if I were in your position, unless she mentions it or is crippled up somewhere, I would pretend I didn't know about it. If she wants to talk to you, she will.

I hope this helps.

[palegothic.livejournal.com]

I must agree with the other posters. Unless she comes to you with anything related to her period, pretend you don't know she has it. I was closer to my father when I got mine but went to my mother because I knew she would be able to help and understand more of what I was going through than my father could ever handle. My father never did bring anything up and I was glad for that. It's a very personal thing so just let your wife handle this one. Don't be surprised if she never comes to you about this but be there for her if she does.

My Dad Rocks!

[k-rich.livejournal.com]

My dad was really cool about the whole situation. My mom told him so that got the pressure off of me. Most Dads should be pretty cool with the whole period thing because they have wives and have probably gone through the whole pregnancy/delivery thing.
Let your daughter know that you know whats going on. If she knows you aren't freaked out about it, she probably won't be either.
Hope that helps. :)

[ourika.livejournal.com]

I was extremely embarrassed when my dad let me know that he knew I'd gotten my period. I'd also suggest not mentioning it unless she does. Just make sure that her mom covered all the bases (probably did, but explained to try not to be embarrassed, here's where we'll keep pads, etc.) and made that your wife sure that your daught knows she can talk to you if she wants to. She may not want to, but knowing that she can if she wants to could help (*grins* I know that even if I never discuss a topic with someone, if it's something personal, knowing that if I ever need to, it's ok for me to do so has been very helpful). You mentioned that you've had a good, close relationship with her, but she very possibly thinks that this is different.

[phreakie-teiris.livejournal.com]

It's natural to go to the mother first, since she has experience with the issue. I was not so lucky, and had to tell my dad when I first got it, as my stepmother was not home. So while it was embarassing, it needed to be done. If there's a time when she needs something regarding it, I'm sure she'll come to you. I wouldn't say to pretend it didn't happen, but don't just up and mention it. Good luck to your daughter and I hope this helped :)

[cjhm.livejournal.com]

Yeah - when I was 13 I didn't want to talk to anyone about it - my dad mentioned about a year later in a vague reference that he knew I'd been getting my period - but god forbid someone should talk about it.
Now that I'm 44 I can't shut up about it ;-)
My poor father hears about my entire insides all the time.
It'll get easier - if she wants to talk about it she'll bring it up.

[caelum.livejournal.com]

I second the other commenters. Just be considerate of her when she's having her cycles. If you're in charge of cooking, I'd cook some extra-healthy food during this time, rich in iron especially, since the body loses a lot during this time. It will help keep her energy up. Multivitamins and supplements are good too.

Also, even though you don't seem the type, by all means do not patronize her if she complains of pain or other symptoms of menses. My father was always so snide and was convinced I was making up my horrible cramps and irritability to get attention. Have painkillers and heating pads handy, and like I said, just be nice. If she feels comfortable talking to you about it, go ahead, but only if she initiates the discussion.

[dichotomise.livejournal.com]

I think it depends on your relationship with your daughter. I'm not very close to my dad (or mom for that matter), so when I got my period I hated whenever my dad brought it up. It felt very awkward and embarassing. But had I been close to my parents, I would have loved being able to talk comfortably with my parents about such things. Maybe you could have your wife ask your daughter how she would feel about your involvement, and the answer could be passed back to you and you could figure out your role from there.

Good luck, and I think it's great that you are concerned and want to be a part of this phase of your daughter's life.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_last_serenade_/]

my dad and i were pretty close, and to this day (i'm 22), he'll take me out for ice cream or chocolate milkshakes if i complain about PMSing and i vaguely remember him bringing me flowers once when i was in my teens.

be sensitive to any embarassment she has...it's pretty normal...but if you guys are close and her mother thinks it's a good idea, don't be afraid to let her know you're supportive and excited for her. it's a rough time in a gal's life and i'm sure your daughter could use as much support as you can give right now. :)

and congratulations, the fact that you're sensitive enough to be here asking questions means you're probably a great dad with a great daughter. :D

[tyesonkatz.livejournal.com]

when i got my period i told my dad first cause mum was at work and dad worked from home, it was so cute he went bright red and ask what to do i said i needed some pads so he went out and bought them in every colour (colour denotes flow type) needless to say we didn't need to by pads for a long time. However i was paranoid he would tell his friend about it and hence would be embarrassed. as it happened he never told a soul it was mum who told all the relos. So maybe you can say that you know and that if she needs anything your there and also reassure her that it is not like you are going to go to your mates and say guess what my little girl all grown up. If she snaps at you do NOT say are you pmsing or is it that time of the month.

[lindsey-nichole.livejournal.com]

i think it's wonderful that you are being so considerate of your daughter's feelings. i am equally close with both of my parents, i am an only child, so i'm pretty open with both of them.

my dad never really said that he knew however i do remember that he bought me a cd i really wanted the day after i started and was miserable. i'd suggest not really bringing it up point blank but just doing something thoughful for her. ask your wife for ideas as to something like a cd, candle etc your daughter might like.

any girl who is just starting to embark on this wonderous journey known as womanhood will appreciate a nice gesture from one the most important men in her life :)

[ilovedorks313.livejournal.com]

Awwww, i wish my dad did that for me! I have never once talked to him about my period. I think he'd rather i'd never gotten it... I was 12 when i got my first period. today i'm 19 and the subject has never been brought up.

[warmpinkglow.livejournal.com]

I think you did the BEST thing that you could have done for your daughter. She knows why she got the flowers and ice cream, and it's so awesome that you have acknowledged it in your own special way.

KUDOS TO YOU -- you're an awesome dad. :)