so..... x posted

[destynnee.livejournal.com]

i called my dr...


again for the MILLIONTH time today.. they have not been calling me back because no one was giving the dr the messages i guess... well this dr is dr johnson in milwaukie or... he is very nice and was extremely shocked when i told him about what all was going on and such.. when i had went in for my apt, i was bleeding so bad that it was all over the table... i know tmi... but its true.... anyhow... i got ahold of them today.. talked to a very nice aldy at the front desk.. she was shocked that no one had gotten back to me yet.... and then later much later, but still the same day.. i got a call from another nice lady.. my dr is out for the week and i guess some of the next.. but my file is on top of his surgery file... looks like in 2-3 weeks i am going in for another lap, and possible hyst... i am terrifide.... i have been through the lap once with someone i loved more than the worlds it self... and he was not really there for me at all... made me feel like crap that i needed his help to wash my back and things like that because he could see the spots on me where they did the surgery and they were still bloody.... his other half also made me feel like shit... here is it a year and some odd days after the 1st one and i am back where i was.. in a realtionship with TWO WONDERFUL PEOPLE, who i love more than the worlds and i know with all my heart that they love me that much as well. and that they will not treat me bad, make me feel worse, or feel like i am crap or turn away from my cuts, bruises, and such like that... i cant wait to find out from my dr what/when this all will happen it makes me feel so good, yet feel so bad that this is all happening again... i know that a lap is not a fix.. and that there is very little i can do to just fix it... but i hoped that the last one would... or at least make it so that i could work like i did before.. i miss it...i miss working 2 jobs 40 hrs each.. and watching kids and running after them and always doing things.. i miss being alive.... i miss being able to make love, and feel love, and see love.

im not one who prays per say.... but i do believe in somethin special... well.. more like many... lol as i have asked them to protect everyone.. i would not mind if anyone else did the same for me....

i hope that this time i dont break down and ball my head off a couple days before it...
i hope that this time the person taking me to the hospital doesnt get there car stolen.....
i hope that this time i have picked the rigt dr who will stick with it all and help me through this.....
i hope that this time i have someone who understands when i was i hurt and am in pain and what they have given me does not workl that i am not a liar or a druggie...
i hope that after this one.. maybe i can worka gain.... and go to school :)


thank you to anyone and everyone out there who has ever said a good thing about me or to me.. to anyone who has ever stood up for me or made me feel special... it takes a lot to make me blush... but it takes even more for me to really feel special and love.