the results are in...

[ciarajanae.livejournal.com]

i went to planned parenthood yesterday, and after an excruciating 20 minute wait, found out i'm not pregnant.

the counselor told me that it's normal for women's periods to be much lighter or even stop completely during the summer, especially if you're on the pill. they don't know why, but it has something to do with the longer days.

so i left stunned and relieved and with way too much to think about. i was totally convinced i was pregnant yesterday morning. there was no doubt in my mind. i spent all day preparing myself emotionally, toughening myself up for the results of my test, trying to logically sort through my options: could i, at this age, carry a pregnancy to term? i considered it... i was scared to death in the clinic, but when the counselor called my name i put on a hard, unfeeling mask and went to meet her.

and when she said "negative"... it was all i could do not to cry. i was relieved, yes, but some small part of me felt let down, disappointed. i do want to have a child someday, even if it's not today, but i guess just thinking about it all for the past three days built something up in my head. is that insane?

anyway, today i started bleeding again. maybe the counselor didn't know what she was talking about. but i have my test results, so i don't have to worry anymore, even if i have some other stuff to deal with. back into the hut i go.

thanks so much to everyone who offered advice. this was (is?) a crazy time for me, and on top of it all most of my friends out here are guys (i'm living with four of them!), so i can't really ask them for advice or understanding. thanks again, and yay for the menstrual hut!

Comments

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Towards the end of my marriage, I had a "probable miscarriage." We hadn't been *not* trying to get pregnant, and superficially, it wouldn't have been a bad thing for me to get pregnant. I was almost done with school, we'd been married a few years . . .

I thought I had two really weird periods in a row, a light one "on time" and a very heavy one two weeks later. I went to my regular gyno appointment a few days after that, and he said, "You were probably a little bit pregnant." It was too late to know for sure. I was both delighted and sad at the same time. I wanted a baby, but that was a *bad time* for a baby. In fact, I left the marriage soon after that, as I knew I needed to leave, and didn't want to bring a baby through a divorce then deal with being a single parent.

But wow, what mixed feelings I had.