A man's periods

[vriane.livejournal.com]

Every few months, and during some days, I bleed very easily, at the slightest incitation, touching my nose. This is when I am tired, did not eat well, stayed awake too long, or when I have a cold, and must blow my nose repetitively, breaking small veins.

So, then, it happens anyplace, anytime, unpredictably, and it can be quite an embarrassment. Most of the time, I simply put a handkerchief to my nose, pressing the side of the nose, very discreetly, and it stops quickly. But then, there are other times where it will simply not stop, or it will stop for two or three minutes, and then bleed again. Then, there are other times where I succeed in clogging the nose, but blood keeps on flowing in the inside, flowing into the throat, and it forces me to cough, or simply swallow it. I swallow it drop by drop, and it leaves a taste in my mouth as I gulp on it, a taste I would describe as that of rotten rusty iron sheets. Some times, during the night, I do not even realize I am bleeding, and I wake up, choking with all this blood that amasses in the back of my throat. I got some heavy scares like that, times where I thought I would not be able to swallow it, and would not be able to draw air into my lungs.

When I was a young boy, classmates would gather around me in the playground, while I went lying down on my back on a bench, and some would chant "V. is having his periods, V. is having his periods!"

I have grown fascinated by that blood that flows from my nose, sometimes, I get so tired of it I simply let it flow, drop by drop, over the sink. When it happens while I am in the bath, and it often happens when I am in the bath, as vessels get all dilated, relaxed, and ready to break while I vigorously wash my face with various scrubbing lotions and soaps, well, then, while I am in the bath, I let it drop in the soap-ish water, drop by drop, at first, it is beautiful, as the red dissolves into water, then, after some time, the water becomes yellowish white, it becomes dirty, and I feel the water around me living with billions of small blood cell gasping and dying, clogging onto my skin, trying desperately to come back into me, I can hear them.

Then I get all relaxed, and lie down in the bathtub, blood keeps on running from my nose onto my chin, down my neck, onto my torso, on my stomach, into the water, and I begin dreaming and sleeping. Blood does not smell good, as it coagulates, it smells like acrid rotten garbage, cabbages. It is not pretty too, but it has a variety of colours, blue, red, black, yellow, depending on where it lands, and how long it stayed in open air. Sometimes, I make drawings with it, I even looked at it under a microscope once, I made some drawings, but never could reproduce the vividness and perpetual changing of that living matter which I have grown fond of.

So yeah, bleeding is an annoyance, but when it happens, it is a nice time for me to go deeper into myself, to observe my inners that flow out, and get reacquainted with what makes me myself. I wash it, I wash it away, but I am not afraid of it. And when I will die, I hope I will be able to look at my blood running out of myself, and tell it a last goodbye. Will it be the beautiful, liquid and satin red blood of my ears, which flows so rapidly on the side of my neck, or the crusty, black blood of my legs, which stays in place and forms big concrete expansions? Or will it be blood mixed with stomach bits, as I will be blown to pieces like a suicide bomber? I don't know, but I hope I will keep calm, and take the time to look at it with detached interest.

©Vriane

Comments

Reading your post, reminded me of an old boyfriend of mine..

[unholypassion.livejournal.com]

15 years ago (gasp), I used to date a guy who got horrid nose bleeds all the time. He too was infatuated with the blood and made not only drawings but, realistic FX type monsters with it; out of plactic, clay, etc.. He even had one that contained some of his old *baby* teeth. They were very professionally made, as he aspired to become a special effects artist one day. :o)

I don't get nosebleeds myself, but have always had a fascination with blood and bleeding.